


Left or Right

by FrisianWanderer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 14:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5747701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrisianWanderer/pseuds/FrisianWanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin is finally ready to make a move on her best friend Bellamy Blake, but before she can, something leads her to believe that he doesn’t feel the same about her. Then someone from her past comes knocking on her front door and Clarke is left with a tough decision to make. </p><p>When Bellamy finds out, Clarke doesn’t know left from right anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy! :)

If you’d told me 5 years ago I’d be having coffee with Monty, one of my closest friends, and his boyfriend Miller, now also a very good friend, the news wouldn’t have surprised me.

However, if you’d added that Bellamy Blake would’ve been with us and I would actually be happy about that fact, I would’ve dropped on the ground, laughing my ass off.

Five years ago I wasn’t much of a fan of Bellamy. Hell, I literally cursed his entire _existence_ a couple of times.

I met Bellamy through his sister Octavia, who was (and still is) dating Lincoln, my roommate (at the time) and colleague (still is).

See, Bellamy wasn’t exactly thrilled about the fact his baby sister was dating someone a year older than he is. And he definitely wasn’t thrilled she was dating a guy like Lincoln – six years her senior, ripped like a God and covered in ink. But Lincoln may look like a grizzly bear from the outside, he’s a cute teddy bear on the inside.

When Bellamy found out, his over-protective-mother-hen instinct kicked in and in a fit of rage he drove to Lincoln and my place and knocked on our front door like a lunatic.

‘What?!’ I yelled when I opened the door (his loud knocking had driven me insane).

Bellamy was momentarily thrown off guard by the site of me – a petite and blonde woman, instead of the man he expected to see. ‘Who are you?’ he demanded annoyed.

‘ _Excuse_ me?!’ I said angrily. ‘ _I’m_ the one who lives here, so _I’m_ the one who gets to ask the questions. _What_ do you want?!’

‘I’m looking for Lincoln’ he answered, my outburst not affecting his anger in the least. No, I had only thrown more fuel on the fire.

‘Well he’s not here’ I answered scowling. I had no idea who this man was, but I already disliked him.

‘Than you can tell him to stay away from my sister. She’s way too young and too good for him!’

That comment made me see red. ‘You don’t know a thing about Lincoln, so don’t you dare judge him!’ I yelled in his face. ‘He’s an amazing guy with a big heart. Octavia is lucky to be dating him!’

‘Then why don’t _you_ date him?!’ Bellamy yelled back.

‘Why would I? He’s clearly smitten with your sister and I’m seeing someone else – not that that’s any of your business!’ we were giving a nice little show to my neighbours, but no one came to my door to insult one of my best friends and didn’t deserve an earful of yells. ‘Asshole!’ I yelled and I slammed the door in his face.

Yes, our first meeting left much to be desired.

I wasn’t planning on ever seeing that jackass again, but our paths kept crossing. Octavia and Lincoln became more and more serious and when O and I became friends, I sometimes saw Bellamy at their place when I visited Octavia. We never spoke, we barely even acknowledged one another.

Then Monty started dating Miller, Bellamy’s best friend, and I was forced to spend more of my free time with him. He was O’s brother and Miller’s best friend after all, so on numerous occasions he was invited along with group activities like bar hopping and movie nights. Unfortunately for me, he sometimes went along.

Eventually Bellamy gave in about his sister dating Lincoln and even apologised to his sister’s boyfriend. I still didn’t like the Bellamy though. He may had started to make amends with Lincoln, but he was still an ass to me. He even started to call me ‘Princess’ when he found out who my parents were.

But I soon realised that Bellamy was going to be permanently in my life. Not as a friend, or even by choice, but as an acquaintance nonetheless, and I decided that even if we didn’t like each other, we could still be friendly towards one another.

So I tried and he did too, and the better I got to know him – really know him, my feelings about him changed. Dislike turned into respect, respect turned into like and like – well, _like_ turned into _love_.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I fell in love with him. It could’ve been that one time we went to the beach with our group of friends and Bell and I had a water fight in the sea. It could’ve been that time I got stranded outside the city with my bad excuse for a car and he drove the two hours to pick me up. But it just as well could’ve been the time when we discussed what adaption of Jane Austen’s books were the best.

No, I don’t know when it started, but I do know when I realised it.

It was when he broke-up with his ex-girlfriend Roma four months ago and the first thing I thought that Roma was a fool for letting him go. Who wouldn’t want to be with Bell? He was smart, loyal, he loved with his entire heart and soul and sometimes, he was even funny.

My second thought was a selfish one. I was happy he was single again. I never really got along with Roma. I never really got along with any of his girlfriends..

My eyes widened as I realised why. _Fuck, I had non-platonic feelings for the guy.._

According to Raven _“he had the hots for me too”_ and Monty and Wells had harassed me too about our closeness, so I started to let him know very subtly that I was interested in him. If he didn’t feel the same, he could just write it off as best buddy behaviour.

I made more physical contact. We always were very touchy-feely (hence the comments of our friends), but now it was more _soft_ and less playful. When I sat down next to him during movie nights like always, I snuggled a bit with him and he put his arm around me. When we greeted each other I planted a soft kiss on his cheek and he kissed my brow. When Bellamy sat down next to me and pressed his knee softly against mine, I didn’t move.

We started hanging out together even more than we did before our failed relationships. We bring each other lunch at work if our breaks overlap – I work as an art restorer in the National Art History Museum of Ark and he owns a real estate agency. We also have weekly Netflix and Takeout hang-outs and go to the local gym together.

And now we are going to have coffee with two of our friends. It started out as Monty and me catching up, but since Bell and Miller’s agency is nearby, we figured we could ask them too.

When I walk into the coffee shop, I notice that Monty is already saving us a booth and Bellamy and Miller are standing in line together.

My eyes wander to Bellamy’s ass and for a second I let myself enjoy my view, before I snap my gaze back to his messy curls.

There are a few customers between me and my friends, so I decide against greeting them. I’m glad with my decision, when I hear my name in their conversation.

‘Is Clarke coming to the anniversary party?’ Miller asks Bell.

‘I don’t know, I haven’t asked her yet’ Bellamy answers. ‘Thought I might do it after coffee’

I roll my eyes fondly. Of course I’m going to Bellamy’s anniversary party, he doesn’t have to ask me like it’s a favour or something. The company he has built with Miller from the ground up celebrates its fifth year next week with a big party. It started out as nothing, but it’s now one of the biggest real estate agencies in town – I couldn’t be more proud of Bellamy.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket with an incoming text message.

 **Wells 3:03pm:** _Don’t forget! Tomorrow we’re going shopping! :D_

His enthusiastic text makes me smile and the silliness of his worry about me forgetting our appointment for tomorrow, too. My thumbs move swiftly over my screen as I type a reply.

 **Clarke 3:04pm:** _Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten that we’re going shopping for an engagement ring for Raven! :D_

 **Wells 3:04pm:** _I know, but I’m just so excited! And nervous. She’s going to say yes right?_

 **Clarke 3:05pm:** _Absolutely. There’s no doubt in my mind you’ll be engaged in a few short weeks!_

 **Wells 3:05pm:** _Just needed to be sure (again). Thanks again for doing this._

 **Clarke 3:06pm:** _You are literally my oldest friend. I could never say no to you ;)_

 **Wells 3:06pm:** _(:_

I lock my screen and tug it back in my pocket. Bellamy’s chuckle catches my attention again and I’m back at eavesdropping.

‘No, _please_ , she’s a great girl, but I don’t feel anything for her’ I hear Bell say.

‘You sure?’ Miller asks. ‘She does like you. Maybe you should give it a shot?’

‘Miller, please’ Bellamy says annoyed. ‘I’m absolutely not interested in her like that. Could you imagine what a catastrophe it would be if things ended on bad terms? Not worth it.. Besides, I’m not into blondes’

It’s their turn to order so the conversation ends there.

Not that I could’ve handled hearing Bellamy talk more about how he is not into me. I could practically feel my heart split in two and my stomach drop out of my body. _I think I’m going to puke._

If I still had some power left in my muscles, I would’ve made my feet walk out of this coffee place and made my thumbs send an excuse to Monty in the form of a text. But the information of Bellamy’s feelings for me hits me like a ton of bricks and the disappointment and pain fill my soul.

_God, I’m an idiot. Such a fool._

I really, _really_ , thought he liked me more than just a friend. Even Raven said so. But apparently I misread all the signs and it really was “best buddy behaviour” to him. _Great_..

I don’t have time to berate myself further, because Bellamy and Miller turn around with their orders in their hands and notice me.

‘Hey, you’re already here’ Bellamy says smiling.

‘Yup’ I mumble.

Bellamy walks towards me and hands me one of the coffees he’s holding. ‘Here. That ridiculous sweet one you like’ he says smiling and then he adds with a wink, ‘I got your back Princess’

I manage to roll my eyes like I always do when he calls me that, but it misses the heat to it. If he notices, he doesn’t let me know. ‘Thank you’ I say with a weak smile. I feel the smile dropping off my face, so I turn around and make my way to Monty.

I sit down across from him, knowing that Monty wants to sit down next to his boyfriend, which leads me in the unfortunate position of sitting next to Bellamy. As a precaution I plant my purse next to me so he can’t get too close and I make my hair shield my vision of him.

Monty tells us a cute story about the kindergarten class he teaches and I do my best to focus on him and not on the guy sitting next to me. It’s hard, it’s like I’m even more aware of Bellamy now we don’t sit as close to one another like we usually would and our knees don’t bump into the other’s.

I barely give the guy a glance and direct all of my words to Monty and Miller.

When Bellamy offers to walk me home, I tell him there’s no need, but he insists. I believed I did a decent job in hiding my true feelings behind a cheery smile, but Bellamy has noticed my different behaviour nonetheless.

We walk in silence, but Bellamy breaks it when we’re a block away from my home.

‘Everything all right?’ he asks. I can hear the worry in his voice.

I give him a smile and nod. ‘Yes. What do I owe you for the coffee?’ the question gives me an excuse to avoid his gaze and to look busy while I look for my wallet.

‘What?’ he asks confused. He’s taken aback by my question – we buy each other coffee all the time.

Because we know each other’s coffee orders. We also know one another’s drink and food orders. We know what the other hates to eat, we know each other’s allergies. I know what cough syrup Bellamy favours and he knows what kind of chocolate to buy when I’m on my period.

Just like a couple. But we’re _not_ and apparently we never will be.

‘Nothing’ Bellamy continues and he shakes his head. ‘What?’ he’s still confused.

I get some cash out of my wallet and shove it in his hands.

He stares at it like it’s the oddest thing he’s ever seen. Then he looks up and the confusion swims in his eyes, but it’s accompanied by hurt. ‘Are you upset with me?’

I try to give him a reassuring smile. ‘Because I’m paying you back for a coffee? Don't be ridiculous’

Bellamy just looks at me for a moment before he breaks the silence again. ‘Listen Clarke, I wanted to ask you something. You remember that next week is the anniversary party of the agency, right?’ he starts to scratch his neck as he continues. ‘I was wondering if you’d like to come?’

God, I don’t think I could handle it. Spending the entire night with him as his friend, knowing he doesn’t want me to be more.. _And_ he looks smoking hot in a suit – it would be unbearable, if I could keep my hands to myself.

‘Yes, when was that again?’ I ask.

‘Next Thursday’ he answers and his warm brown eyes bore into mine.

I have trouble keeping my eyes on his. I always love to count his freckles, that look just like a constellation on his cheekbones, when we’re this close to each other.

‘Uuuh.. I have a date then’ I lie. I know it’s horrible and the guilt threatens to overwhelm me the second the words leave me, but I just can’t make myself go through with a night that will only bring me more heartache.

Bellamy is so shocked, he physically takes a step back. ‘What?’ he whispers. ‘With who?!’ he demands.

‘You don’t know him’ I try.

Bellamy’s lips turn into a thin line and his eyes send me daggers. ‘Great..’ he nods. ‘Well have fun on your date!’ he spits before he turns around and hurries away in the opposite direction of my house, leaving me all alone in my misery.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning I wake up with 3 missed calls and 4 texts from Octavia.

 **OB 9:13am:** _You’re not going to the party Thursday?! What the hell Clarke?!!!!!_

 **OB 9:14am:** _You can’t be serious! You told me last week you were going!_

 **OB 9:17am:** _Who the hell is this date that’s more important than your best friend??!!!_

 **OB 9:25am:** _ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE!!_

Fuck, she’s pissed. And a pissed Octavia is like a freaking hurricane. Dangerous, strong and it destroyed everything in its way. They were both absolutely to be avoided.

But I knew I couldn’t avoid her. If I didn’t call her back now, she would waltz through my front door in an hour.

But as the chicken I was this early Sunday morning, I decided to text her instead.

 **Clarke 9:34am:** _An honest mistake. I’ll be there the next time._

 **OB 9:34am:** _CLARKE!!!!!!!!_

 **OB 9:35am:** _Bell is really upset that you’re not coming._

Of course Bellamy was upset. I was one of his closest friends and I wasn’t planning on coming to the party that celebrated _his_ amazing company. _God, I was a horrible and selfish being.._

I groaned and hid my face under a pillow, hoping I could smother my guilt. It wasn’t working, obviously.

No, there was only one way to ease my guilt – attending the damn celebration..

 **Clarke 9:37am:** _I’ll be there, I promise._

 **OB 9:38am:** _Great. Now go tell him that!!!_

I get out of bed and take a shower. I’m planning on texting Bellamy as soon as I’m clean and fed, but before I get to the fed part, someone rings my doorbell.

My heart skips a beat in anticipation of it being Bellamy, both out of excitement and nervousness.

But it’s not Bellamy, it’s someone completely different.

It’s Lexa Brown.

 _Lexa_ , my ex-girlfriend. My first real love. The one that got away, the one I didn’t think I’d ever see again. The one that made me believe love is for fools, because if it leaves, it can break you.

We may have ended things on okay terms 2 years ago, but it actually took me a year to get over her. Bellamy was right there when I needed him most and helped me get out of my funk. He was there when I yelled at the universe that love sucked and I didn’t want to be bothered by it again. He was there offering me tissues when my stream of tears seemed endless. He was there on the nights it was my mission to get drunk to lessen my heartache.

And now the cause of all that pain is standing in front of me at my doorstep.

‘Lexa’ I whisper, too surprised, too overwhelmed to say more after a moment of silence.

‘Hey Clarke’ she says in a soft tone, obviously nervous. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Okay’ I murmur and I step aside slowly to let her in.

We walk to the kitchen and when my head is finally wrapped around the fact that Lexa is here, I ask her if she wants to drink something.

‘Some juice would be great’ she says and she offers me a tentative smile.

I nod in response, still lost for words, and get us both something to drink.

‘So, uhh, what brings you back in Ark?’ I ask when we’ve sat down at my kitchen table.

‘You’ Lexa answers matter-of-factly. She never was one to beat around the bush.

‘Oh..!’ I say, unable to hide my surprise, but because I don’t know how to react to that loaded statement, I ask her how Berlin was.

Lexa got a job offer to work for the US embassy in Berlin during our relationship. It was a dream come true for her, so she decided to take it and end our relationship. I can’t say I didn’t understood – she wanted to live in Europe since she was a teenager and now she got to chance to. I understood, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less to watch her go.

‘It was great, but..’ she starts and then she trails off. She looks down to her lap and starts to play with the tassels on her scarf. It’s her nervous habit. That’s one of the many things I learned while being in a 11 month relationship with her. ‘It was, but..’ she tries again and then she looks up. ‘I was lonely there and I realised some things. Most of it about you. About us. How great we were and how much you meant to me..’

We’re both silent for a moment and I just stare at her in shock.

‘ _What_?’ I manage to utter.

‘Listen Clarke, I know it was two years ago, but I’m still not over us. I’ve been looking for something what we had, but I just can’t find it. If you say that you have, I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again. I’ll leave if you tell me you want me to go, but if you want us to give it another try, I’m open to that’

I don’t know what to say to her. My head is full with so many emotions – surprise, confusion, anger, happiness, and even more questions, so I say the first that thing  
makes sense. ‘But you live in _Berlin_?’

‘I’m back in Ark for the next three weeks and if I want, I can get transferred’ she takes a deep breath before she continues and adds with a hopeful smile, ‘Or you could move with me to Berlin?’

‘To Berlin?!’ I exclaim surprised.

‘I know it’s sudden and it seems like I’m asking this out of the blue, but..’ she leans in slightly so our knees touch and she looks at me with regret in her eyes, ‘what we had was special, Clarke. What we had was real.. And I believe it deserves a second chance’

‘Yes, but moving to Berlin?’ I ask with a loud beating heart. I get out of my chair and start to pace. ‘You were right about us being special’ I start. I can feel Lexa analysing every word I say and every step I take. ‘We did have something amazing. I _loved_ you Lexa’ I stop to look her dead in the eye, ‘and you just _left_!’ I accuse her of.

‘I loved you too Clarke, but it has always been my dream to work in Europe – you know that’ she says in a soft tone. ‘and I was afraid okay?’ she admits.

‘Of what?’ I demand softly and I cross my arms.

Her gaze drops to the floor and she starts playing with her tassels again. ‘I don’t know, my feelings for you, I guess. The commitment. The fear of you falling out of love with me..’

‘So you fled’ I state.

‘I guess so..’ she admits. ‘But I regret that now. That’s why I’m here Clarke, asking you for a second chance. So what do you think?’

What do I think? I’m thinking a lot right now – too much in fact.

I’m thinking about those eleven months we were together. How great we were, how happy I was. I’m thinking about how much it hurt when we broke up, how much I wished she’d come back. I’m thinking about Bellamy. How much I like him, how badly I want to be with him. I can feel my heart flutter just by thinking about him. But then I remember his words _‘I’m absolutely not interested in her like that. Could you imagine what a catastrophe it would be if things ended on bad terms? Not worth it.. Besides, I’m not into blondes’_ and my heart breaks all over again.

So, obviously that’s not going to happen. But it could happen with Lexa again... What if we got back to where we left off? Could I do that? Did I even _want_ to?

‘I need time to think’ I whisper. ‘This is all a lot to take in’

Lexa nods. ‘Of course. Why don’t we meet up for coffee next Friday? I know it’s not much time, but we don’t have a lot.. Sorry’

I nod. ‘Friday is fine I guess’

 

**********

 

After Lexa leaves, I spend my entire Saturday stressing about what to do.

The decision I’ll make could change my life forever.

It reminds me of the time I decided to change majors in college and to follow my dream of studying art instead of fulfilling my mother’s dream to become a doctor like her.

That decision wasn’t hard to make. I got pressured by my mother to do what she had done and when I finally got the courage to listen to my heart, the choice was easily made.

This time however I’m not being pushed by someone to do something I don’t want to do, I’m offered a choice that I have to make by myself. I just have to listen to my heart again. And a friend. I need to talk about this with someone.

At the end of the day I decide that I’m going to ask Wells for advice tomorrow. We’ve been friends since birth and he knows me better than I know myself. I call him to ask if he can come to my place tomorrow an hour earlier than we had planned and as the true friend he is, he readily agrees.

I completely forget to text Bellamy.

 

* * *

 

 

‘I assume this is about Bellamy?’ Wells asks when he finds me in my kitchen the next morning. He has a key to my house, because I’m too lazy to open the door every time he visits me. The key also comes in handy when I’m out of town and he has to water my plants.

‘Bellamy?’ I ask surprised and I look up from the coffee I’m making. ‘No, this is about Lexa’

‘ _Lexa_?!’ it’s now Wells turn to be surprised.

‘Why’d you think it was about Bellamy?’ I ask when I have my face in my cupboard so he doesn’t have to see my blush. I grab two polka dotted mugs and turn around.

‘I ran into him at the supermarket yesterday’ Wells say and then he adds, ‘he was very.. uhh.. _moody_..’

I chuckle. ‘Have you _met_ Bellamy? That guy doesn’t have a different mood then moody’ I say laughingly while I pour us both a cup of coffee.

Wells isn’t impressed by my lack of worry – he’s still concerned. ‘The guy was buying beer and donuts. It was ten in the morning’ he accepts my caffeine with a thank you.

 _Oh_.. Beer and donuts are Bellamy and my comfort food and have helped us many times when we needed to get over something shitty. I wonder what has upset Bell so much he needed to turn to the healing powers of a cold beer and a sweet donut.

‘I’ll talk to him’ I promise Wells, now understanding his worry. ‘But first I need to talk with you’

‘Yes, about Lexa’ and Wells face turns from a display of concern to one of confusion. ‘Why do you want to _talk_ about Lexa?’

‘She’s back’ I say and Wells drops his jaw. I tell him she visited me yesterday and what she said. How she regrets breaking up with me, that she misses me, that she wants a second chance. I tell him she’s back in the States for a few weeks, but if we decide to get back together, she can stay permanently. Or I could move to Berlin with her.

‘To Berlin?’ Wells asked shocked. ‘But your life is here..’

‘There are plenty of museums in Berlin, Wells’ I say and I take a gulp from the black liquid in my hands.

‘What about Bellamy though?’ Wells counters.

‘What has Bellamy got to do with this?’ I ask my coffee and when I dare to look Wells in his eyes again, he gives me a don’t-give-me-that-bullshit look. ‘Just say it Wells, I don’t want to guess what you’re thinking’ I say annoyed, even though I know exactly what he’s thinking.

‘You know exactly what I’m thinking Clarke, but fine – I’ll spell it out for you. You’re in love with him. Frankly, I don’t even get why you’re considering getting back together with Lexa’

I literally have to swallow my pride before I can open my mouth. ‘ _Because_ …’ I reluctantly begin and with my eyes trained on my counter, ‘he made it very clear that he doesn’t feel the same. And maybe Lexa showing up is a sign’

Wells rolls his eyes. ‘You don’t believe in signs Clarke. You don’t even believe in _traffic_ signs’

‘I just don’t get why I have to stop at a stop sign when I’m the only one on the road!’ I say defensively.

Wells waves the issue away – we’ve had this discussion numerous times. ‘Why do you think Bellamy doesn’t feel the same?’

‘I heard him say it. Listen – I don’t want to talk about the guy who _isn’t_ interested in me, I want to talk about the girl who _is_ ’

‘Clarke, I can’t make the decision for you, but it comes down to this – do you still love Lexa or not?’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next part the news spreads about Lexa's return in Clarke's life and not all of her friends are thrilled about that.. ;) 
> 
> This work is my debut in the 'The 100' fanfiction world, so I'd absolutely love some feedback! :) Please let me know if you even enjoyed it, it would mean a lot! xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy :)

‘I guess it has it’s perks if you are the son of the Mayor of Ark City’ I whisper smiling to Wells when the jeweller has his back turned to us. He’s opening another glass case to get a ring Wells pointed out.

‘You know I normally don’t let myself enjoy any of those perks, but this is for Raven and the jeweller himself suggested he could open for us a few hours this Sunday’ Wells says defensively and I chuckle in response.

Mr. Shumway turns back to us and gently hands Wells the ring. ‘What do you think?’ he asks smiling after we’ve admired the ring an appropriate amount of time.

‘It’s perfect’ Wells says in awe and I agree with him.

It’s a simple, but gorgeous, silver ring with a 2 carat princess cut diamond. I know Raven is going to love it.

Wells looks up to me for confirmation and I nod excitedly. This is the one.

And we only had to look at 33 different rings in two hours to find it. Totally worth it though.

Fifteen minutes later Wells has bought the ring and we both leave the jewellery store in a great mood. Since it is past lunch time we decide to go back to my place to heat up some soup and make some grilled cheese sandwiches.

It’s when Wells is telling me how he’s going to propose to Raven over our lunch when my doorbell rings.

A nervous fluttering sensation starts in my stomach when I hear the sound. It’s a good possibility that the person on the other side of my door is either Lexa or Bellamy and I don’t know how to act or what to say to either one of them right now.

To my surprise however, it’s neither my ex-girlfriend or my best friend. It’s a delivery guy delivering a big bouquet of my favourite flowers to me. Soft, pink roses.

‘Who are those from?’ Wells asks surprised when I come back with the roses in my hands.

‘I don’t know, but there is a card’ I say smiling.

After I put the roses in a vase, I take the card out and read it out loud.

_**I wanted you to know how serious I am about you.** _

_**And us.** _

_**Lexa.** _

‘Lexa?’ Wells asks surprised.

‘I know..’ I’m shocked as well.

Lexa is literally the least romantic person I know, and I know Bellamy, who thinks buying flowers is ridiculous because they die after a few days so you’ll have the same effect as when you flush your money down the toilet (his words, not mine).

Lexa however is even worse. She refused to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me when we were together, stating it was a stupid capitalistic holiday invented by Hallmark to sell more cards. She also didn’t like dinner at candlelight (‘Clarke, having dinner in the dark isn’t romantic, it’s inconvenient! Can we just turn on the lights?’).

That was the only thing Lexa and Bell had in common. Well, that and _me_.

‘Wow..’ Wells says. ‘I’m surprised.. and impressed. She really is going all out if she’s making a romantic gesture’

I’m unresponsive for a second and just stare at the card in my hand. ‘I know..’ I eventually mutter.

‘How do you feel about that?’ Wells continues and I can feel his eyes carefully taking me in.

‘I just wish there wasn’t so much pressure behind making the right decision, you know?’ I sigh. ‘I’m open for trying again, but I would’ve liked to take things slow. That’s not really an option here – we either go all in and she moves back to the States or I move to Berlin with her, or we don’t get back together and it’s over forever..’

‘Clarke, I’m going back to my original question – do you still love Lexa or not?’

I give him the same answer I gave him this morning. ‘I think I will always love her Wells’

‘Than you need to figure out what kind of love that is before Friday’ Wells says and then he adds ‘but please don’t base your answer on the question if Bellamy likes you or not’

‘He doesn’t’ I stubbornly say and even I can hear the bitter ring to my voice. ‘But I have to. I mean, what if Lexa and I can be really happy together, but I don’t take that chance now because I keep pining after Bellamy? I’m not saying I’m only going to take Lexa back because Bellamy only wants to be friends – of course not – there has to be more and better reasons to do that, but – I don’t know.. I just need some time to think. It has barely been a day..’

Wells nods. ‘I just want you to be happy’

I give him an attempt to a smile. ‘I know..’

 

* * *

 

 

After I shut down the third attempt on a conversation during lunch the next day, Lincoln gets annoyed and drops his sandwich back on his plate.

‘Okay what’s going on with you and Bellamy?’ he asks irritated.

I look up confused. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with Bellamy, only what’s going on with me’

Lincoln looks at me for a second. ‘Than what’s going on with you? Why are you acting so un-Clarke-like?’

I dodge his question by giving him one of mine. ‘Why do you think something is up with Bellamy?’

‘He was acting weird – just like you are now’ he accuses me of. ‘O and I invited him over for dinner yesterday and he barely said a word and kept playing with his food. After that he fought with Octavia and left’ he pauses for a sec to gauge my reaction before he adds, ‘Not one of the better dinners we had..’

‘Well it’s not like the Blake’s never fight and Bellamy is known for being a grump, so..’ I try.

Lincoln shakes his head. ‘That wasn’t it. He’s always so, _passionate_ , you know? The Blakes both have a lot of fire inside of them’

I chuckle. ‘That’s definitely true’ It’s my favourite thing about them.

‘But yesterday’ Lincoln continues while I stuff myself with the rest of my lunch, ‘he just seemed _empty_. Or down, if I may’

‘Maybe he was just tired?’ I try, but my worry is suffocating me. First Wells runs into Bellamy at the supermarket at 10am and finds him buying comfort food and now Lincoln describes him as _empty_.

‘Maybe..’ Lincoln says, but he sounds just as unconvinced as I feel. ‘So, what’s going on with you?’

The change of subject would’ve been nice if the new subject wouldn’t have been my current state of mind.

‘Nothing..’

‘Try again’

I sigh and tell him who came knocking on my front door this Saturday and that she send me roses the day after. ‘How was your weekend?’ I end my story with.

‘Funny’ Lincoln smirks. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘That’s the question, isn’t it?’ I mumble. ‘But I haven’t quite figured that one out yet’

‘Understandable’ Lincoln agrees and he checks his watch. ‘Come on, our break is over. I need to get back to that Picasso’

 

**********

 

That night I give Bellamy a call to ask him if he wants to hang out or something. All of my friends’ worry have gotten me _really_ worried. If he needs something, I’m here for him and I need him to know that. He’s still my friend after all and if one of my friends is in need, it doesn’t matter to me how I’m doing – their wellbeing comes first.

It rings 3 times before I hear his familiar message telling me he’ll call me back asap, so I try again. This time it only rings _once_ before I get his Voicemail. _Wait.. Did he just hang up on me?_

_Oh hell no!_

I stubbornly dial his number again and again before he actually answers.

‘Sure you meant to pick up Bellamy?!’ I snap.

‘What do you want Clarke?’ Bellamy asks in an angry tone.

‘I wanted to know how you were doing!’

‘I’m doing great’ he spats.

‘Great!’ I say mad.

‘Yeah it is’ he replies in a somewhat sarcastic tone. ‘It’s all fucking great!’

Before I can say the word ‘great’ again – it’s on the tip of my tongue – he has hung up.

I stare in shock at my cell for a moment before I throw it next to me on the couch. _What the hell just happened?_

 

* * *

 

 

The bad mood Bellamy gave me doesn’t disappear for the next couple of days. I’m being surly at work, much to Lincoln’s dismay, and I cancel the plans I had with my friends for drinks at a bar.

I normally would’ve gone to the gym to lose my anger at the treadmill and to get a shot of endorphins, but I don’t want to risk running into Bellamy there.

Wednesday night Monty drops by because he needs to borrow my suitcase. He and Miller are going away for the weekend to visit Monty’s dad.

‘Who got you those?’ Monty asks smiling while he admires the pink roses standing on my kitchen table.

I’m silent for a second too long because he whips his head back to me with incredible speed and his eyes widen comically. ‘Did _Bellamy_ give you these?’ he whispers like we’re telling each other secrets and he’s grinning stupidly.

I chuckle. ‘Please, you know how Bellamy thinks about flowers. _“Flowers are stupid. Why would you waste your money on something so frivolous. You can just as well flush your money down the toilet!”_ ’ I quote Bellamy in my best Bellamy impression – all worked-up and ridiculous, with a deep voice.

Monty laughs. ‘Great Bellamy impression’ he jokes.

‘Thanks. But I don’t know why _Bellamy_ would be sending me flowers’

‘I could think of a few reasons’

‘Well, I couldn’t. Pretty sure Bellamy hates my guts right about now..’ I say with a frown and I drop my gaze to my kitchen floor.

‘Does this have anything to do with you not going to the party Thursday?’

I look up at him in surprise.

‘Nate told me’ Monty explains.

_Of course.._

‘Well, yes, but- I am going. _Of course_ I’m going..’ I stammer and I run my hand through my hair.

‘Than why did you tell Bellamy you couldn’t attend?’ Monty asks calmly and on his lips there is a hint of a smile like he already knows the answer.

But he doesn’t know the answer and I’m not going to tell him the truth – I don’t want his pity. I want to suffer on my own, so I change the subject. ‘Lexa send me those flowers’

It works. Monty drops the subject of Bellamy and questions me about Lexa. I make us a cup of tea and tell him what’s been plaguing my mind these last couple of days.

‘I don’t want to tell you what to do..’ Monty starts slowly.

‘But?’

‘But I don’t think you should do it..’

I sigh. So Monty and Wells both think I shouldn’t take this leap of faith and Lincoln hadn’t shared his opinion with me, but I know him and he isn’t very enthusiastic either. I wonder how Bellamy would feel about this subject, but I wasn’t about to ask that ass. ‘Yeah, well, she made me really happy for a while and I don’t have a good enough reason yet to turn my back on her completely, so..’ I say annoyed.

‘Hmmm..’ Monty murmurs.

‘What?’ I ask sceptically.

‘Nothing..’ Monty immediately says. ‘You have to make this decision on your own, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel’

I give him a slight smile. ‘Your honesty is always appreciated Mont’ I get out of my chair. ‘Come, let’s get that suitcase from the attic’

 

* * *

 

 

And then I wake up on Thursday morning, the day of Bellamy’s party. I still haven’t let him know that I’m coming because I’m really upset with him, but I’m not upset enough to stay at home and sulk about the whole thing. I still want to support him and his company, and put whatever the hell is going on between us behind us. Not going to his party would only make things worse.

Besides, how bad can it be? All of my friends are going to be there, Bellamy is probably going to be in a great mood and there will be free champagne. Bell and Miller even rented out a ballroom in a hotel where the party is taking place.

Those thoughts actually improve my mood and Lincoln immediately notices.

‘Clarke you’re back! When did the aliens release you?’ he jokes.

I grimace. ‘I'm sorry..’

‘Did you make up your mind about Lexa?’ he asks and he takes a bite from his burrito.

I run my hand through my hair. ‘No.. I’m kinda hoping the answer is just magically going to come to me.. Or maybe it’s more of a spur-of-the-moment decision?’

Lincoln looks at me like I’m ridiculous and I avoid his mocking eyes by drinking some of my orange juice. ‘That’s not how you make life changing decisions Clarke. Maybe you can’t make up your mind because you’re afraid to say how you really feel. Which is that you don’t want to get back together with Lexa’

I sigh. ‘No, I don’t want to say no’ I start. ‘But I’m not sure if I want to say _yes_ either’

‘And you already have to tell her tomorrow’ Lincoln states.

‘Yup’ I mutter and the rest of our lunch I’m lost in my own thoughts.

 

**********

 

I take one last look in the mirror before I head out to Bellamy’s party.

I look good. I’m wearing a strapless dress in a soft purple colour, that shows a nice amount of cleavage, but can still be considered appropriate.

My make-up is on point too. I put on some mascara and eyeliner and on my lips a bright red colour.

When my cab arrives, I put on a pair of high heels, grab my purse and leave. I figured that it would be better to go to the party in a cab than to drive myself, since I’ll probably be to intoxicated to drive home later.

When I arrive at the hotel the party is already going strong. I can already feel my heart start to beat loudly in my chest by the thought of seeing Bellamy again. It will be the first time we’ll see each other since he stormed off that afternoon after coffee with Monty and Miller and it will be the first time I’ll speak with him after our awful one minute phone conversation.

I wonder if he’s nervous as well.

When I join the party, I scan the room for my friends. I notice Miller and Monty and make my way to them when I feel someone’s gaze on me. I look up to find Bellamy staring at me. He’s wearing a suit that hugs him in all the right places and his messy curls are gelled back for the occasion. He looks so handsome that it hurts.

I stop in my track and give him a small wave to let him know that I see him. The look in his eyes is indecipherable. I can’t tell if he’s happy, surprised, annoyed or upset that I’m here and that unnerves me – Bellamy and I can read each other like a book.

Bellamy turns to a woman standing next to him. She’s tall, dark and gorgeous in a red dress. I recognise her as Echo Smith, one of the gym instructors at the gym Bellamy and I are members of. Bellamy kisses her lips before he makes his way over to me.

My breath hitches in my throat. He _kissed_ her.. He _kissed_ Echo..

I don’t get a second more to overcome my breaking heart or come up with a strategy to deal with this new information, because Bellamy is already standing in front of me and talking. Luckily for me I have killer survival instincts that kick in immediately.

‘Hey _Clarke_ ’ Bellamy begins and the lack of him using his nickname for me hangs heavily between us. ‘What are you doing here? Didn’t you have a date?’

I still can’t quite read him. Him not calling me Princess definitely means he’s still angry with me, but he doesn’t even seem glad that I’m here. I’m terribly confused and hurt by his cold greeting. ‘I wanted to congratulate you’ I answer scowling. ‘On your firm’

‘Thank you’ he says but he still frowns at me and he sounds sarcastic. ‘Did you bring _Lexa_ with you?’

‘You heard’ I state.

‘Yes, from Octavia _and_ from Miller. Not from _you_ though’ he says upset and he angrily points a finger at me.

‘Is that why you’re so angry with me?’ I ask confused. ‘Because Lexa showed up on my front doorstep out of the blue? It’s not like I planned for that to happen!’

‘It doesn’t matter why I’m upset with you-‘ Bellamy starts but I cut him off.

‘It does to me!’ I say in a loud voice and I add in an even louder tone, ‘Why are you so mad at me?!’

Bellamy’s eyes shift over our surroundings. ‘You’re making a scene’ he hisses and when his eyes land back on mine, they are stone cold. ‘Maybe it’s better if you leave’ he says in a firm and cold voice.

I’m so shocked that he wants me to leave, that I need a moment to respond. _He’s kicking me out.._ ‘Enjoy your party’ I bite before I turn my back on him and storm out.

If he displays any guilt or regret when I turn around and leave, it’s lost on me. I hope he enjoys the sight of my retreating form, because it will be the last he’ll see of me.

I pass Raven and Wells on my way out, but I’m too upset to actually notice them. When they call my name, I startle and turn around.

Both of their smiles die on their lips when they see the look in my eyes.

‘Are you okay?’ Wells asks worried.

‘Jesus, what the hell happened?’ Raven asks at the same time as her boyfriend speaks.

‘No, I’m not’ I say and I’m fighting my tears now. ‘Bellamy just kicked me out’

‘What?!’ Wells asks shocked at the same time Raven puts her face in her hands and mutters, ‘Jesus that _dumbass_..’

I’m not up to discussing this any further, so I tell them goodbye and quickly make my way out. I jump into the first cab I see and cry the whole way to my bed.

 

* * *

 

 

My mind is made up the next day. I feel like crap and I probably look like it as well, when I go to meet Lexa for coffee.

She looks amazing though and seeing her tentative smile gives me hope. Hope that I don’t have to feel this miserable any longer. Hope that love is just around the corner for me with Lexa. Hope that we can be as happy together as we were before she left.

‘Hi..’ she says smiling softly. ‘Did you get my flowers?’

Instead of answering, I lean in and kiss her lips firmly. She kisses me back and pulls me against her. My hands cup her cheek and stroke her side, while hers squeeze my ass.

We’re both flustered when I pull back. ‘They were gorgeous, thank you’ I say a little breathless. ‘Let’s go back to my place now’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really hope you liked it, kind of nervous about it.. Please let me know :) xx


	3. Chapter 3

Wells texts me Friday night to ask how the coffee with Lexa went and I answer that it went great and that we decided to get back together. His response comes after a minute or two. 

**Wells today 9:03pm:** If you’re happy, I’m happy.

I leave it at that. 

Lexa and I get reacquainted with each other between my sheets and in my shower and she makes me feel so good, that my heart almost feels normal again. _Almost_.

It’s when she’s asleep next to me, that I’m finally alone with my thoughts. I look at Lexa’s sleeping form and softly stroke her hair with my fingertips. 

This is what I wanted, I remind myself. To be part of a team, a duo – to not be alone anymore. To fall asleep next to someone who loves me and who I love back. Someone I can waste time with, someone to fight the loneliness with. Someone I can share my happiness with and my burdens. Lexa was once the perfect candidate for all of this and she still is. 

It almost doesn’t feel like a lie. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa is making us breakfast in my kitchen the next day, while I’m folding some clean laundry at my kitchen table. 

‘All I’m saying Clarke,’ Lexa says again and I suppress a groan, ‘is that you’d love Berlin. It’s a big city with a lot of history, you could work there for the most amazing museums and it’d be this awesome new adventure’ she looks up from the waffles she’s making and adds with a smile, ‘You love all of those reasons!’

Lexa has been trying to persuade me to come with her to Berlin now that we’re back together. We haven’t even been a couple for 24 hours, but apparently that’s not an issue. It seems like she has this all planned out – go back to Ark City, get Clarke back, get Clarke to move to Berlin. 

‘That may be true, but I also love the reasons for staying’ I say a little annoyed. ‘My family, my friends, my job as the head art restorer here, my house..’

‘Yeah, well, it’s not like you can’t get a new house or job in Berlin’ Lexa says unimpressed, her eyes back on the food. ‘Or new friends..’

‘Not like the ones I have here. I can’t just _replace_ them..’ I say with a frown and I go back to my laundry.

Lexa is quiet for a moment before she says, ‘Someone in particular you don’t want to leave behind?’

I want to tell Lexa no, that there isn’t someone special in my life that could make me stay if I wanted to go to Berlin with her, but my voice hitches in my throat when my hands wrap around a green sweater. 

It’s _Bellamy’s_ sweater.

The one I gave him as a present back in May when we all went camping together for his birthday, because I knew it would be something he could really need and that he would appreciate. That he also looks really good in this colour and model was just an added bonus. For him and for me.

He had worn it last week when he came over for one of our ‘Netflix and Takeout’ hangouts. I had gotten beer all over it when I got spooked by the stupid horror movie we were watching. He had to take it off and he had forgotten it when he left, so I decided to wash it for him. 

All of those memories that come crashing down on me make my hands tremble slightly as I hold the soft sweater and bring me to the brink of tears. 

‘Clarke?!’ I finally hear Lexa say and I snap out of it. She looks annoyed.

‘What?’

‘I asked you something. If there’s someone in particular you don’t want to leave behind when we move to Berlin?’ she seems to believe she already knows the answer and sends me daggers with her eyes. 

‘No, there’s not’ I say firm. ‘And _if_ we move to Berlin, not when’ I correct her. 

We just stare at one another for a moment to read the other’s facial expression. 

I break our staring contest when I drop my gaze to the waffles. ‘I think you burned them..’

 

* * *

 

 

Our afternoon thankfully shows no resemblance to our shared morning. Lexa and I decide to go get lunch at a Turkish place where we catch up. She asks me about my parents and I tell her about their 35th wedding anniversary that we celebrated with a big party a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t tell her I spend the whole party dancing and drinking with Bellamy or that the poor guy had to carry me to the car when the sun made it’s entrée because my feet felt like they were about to fall off..

She tells me about an awesome concert she visited in Berlin with some colleagues and how much she dislikes flying. We talk some more, we laugh and we steal food from the other’s plate like the couple we are again. 

After that I have some errands to run and some groceries to get and Lexa tags along with me. It’s nice. There still may be some doubt left inside of me about the whole thing, but being with Lexa feels _nice_ and, well- that is a good enough start for me. 

Before dinner we take another shower together and have some fun using the soap. 

While eating dinner we decide to use my Netflix account to good use. 

‘Want to watch “White House Down”?’ Lexa asks.

‘No, I already saw that one with Bellamy’ I say while I spin spaghetti onto my fork. 

‘What about “Cold Mountain”?’ Lexa asks. 

I saw that one with Bell too. Our friends always hate to watch historical movies with him because he loves to point out every historical inaccuracy he can find. And he always finds a lot. 

I however, like watching those kinds of movies with him because I love to hear him whine and get angry over buttons. I also love to tell him to _“Shut the fuck up and just watch this damn masterpiece Bell”’_

Bellamy always gets this ridiculous exaggerated reaction when I tease him like that. He either chokes on his drink, gasps loudly for air or rants some more. _“A_ masterpiece _?! Princess, this movie is a piece of shit! No, I take that back! At least a piece of shit once had a purpose, this movie never had and never will!”_

‘Saw that one too’ I say between bites.

‘With Bellamy?’ Lexa says a little bitter.

I see no point in lying, so I nod in response. 

‘How does he feel about us getting back together?’ Lexa inquires me. 

I feel my grip tighten involuntarily around my fork. ‘Don’t know. We’re not really speaking at the moment’ 

‘Why not?’ Lexa immediately asks.

 _Yeah, not telling her the reasons behind that.._ ‘Stuff. I don’t really feel like talking about it’

I can feel Lexa’s eyes burn a hole into the side of my head, but I stubbornly keep my eyes on my laptop screen. ‘Clarke-‘

‘I said I don’t want to talk about it!’ I snap.

‘I just wanted to say,’ Lexa says in a soft tone after a moment, ‘that I’m here for you if you do’

 _Fuck_. I expected a fight, already threw the first punch, and then she says something so sweet. Guilt over lying and being a brat settle over me and make me feel horrible. ‘Thank you’ I say quietly. ‘I appreciate it’

 

* * *

 

 

The news of Lexa and me has spread like wildfire through my group of friends. After texting Wells, Monty and Lincoln the news, they all tell their significant others, who all tell Bellamy. 

Sunday, Lincoln tells me at work how the Blakes feel about my new relationship status. 

‘O thinks it’s a huge mistake and doesn’t want to talk to you for a while’ Lincoln informs me.

‘What?!’ I yell. ‘What reason does she have to be so angry with me for dating Lexa that she doesn’t want to speak with me?’

‘Well.. she’s not really a fan of Lexa’s’ Lincoln carefully begins. ‘And I think she was kinda hoping you’d find someone else’

‘You can tell her Lexa’s great and she makes me really happy! If Octavia was a real friend, she’d be happy for me!’ I say mad. I turn back to the colours I was mixing for the Van Gogh I’m restoring and silence falls heavily between Lincoln and me. 

‘How does Bell feel about it?’ I ask few moments later, trying to sound as casual as possible. However, the way my hand runs through my hair as on instinct and my wild beating heart, betray me. 

Lincoln is quiet for a second too long and when I look up to him, I can see that he’s trying to find the right words. ‘The same as Octavia’ he eventually decides. 

‘Well I don’t know why he’d care enough to form an opinion’ I say upset, bitter even. ‘He seems like he wants nothing to do with me..’

‘You know that’s not true’ Lincoln says in a calm tone.

I bite my lip. ‘I’m not so sure anymore..’ I whisper in a wavering voice. 

 

* * *

 

 

I can feel that my friends and I are about to enter dangerous waters. Monday night our group of friends had planned to go to Wells and Raven’s place for a friends night of dinner and card games, but Wells texts me in the afternoon that it’s cancelled. 

When I ask why, he texts that Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln have bailed under the excuse that they can’t make it anymore and apparently Miller doesn’t feel well. Wells and I know that’s both a load of crap – at least where the Blakes are concerned, Miller might actually have the flu or something. 

My fight with Bellamy is already starting to break up our group..

Lincoln and I may have been friends for years, but he’ll always side with Octavia, his girlfriend, who will always side with her brother. Octavia is already starting to avoid me now.. 

Miller is Bell’s best friend and Monty is one of mine, so if it came down to it, they would probably play Switzerland and try to stay friends with us both. 

Wells and Raven both got sucked into our squad because of me, so at least I’d still have them, but if Bellamy and I can’t get our shit together, our whole group is going to fall apart. Which would make any friendship “my” friends have with “Bell’s” friends extremely difficult and awkward. 

I can’t let that happen. I have to apologise to Bellamy, even if it’s just for the sake of our friends, but my own pride and stubbornness stop me. He kicked me out of  
his party! He should be the one to apologise now. 

Lexa has made plans for herself with some old friends and now that my plans got cancelled, I have to entertain myself. 

The lack of contact with Bellamy has seemingly given me withdrawal symptoms. I deal with this the only way I can think of – with wine and stalking Bellamy’s social media to make me feel better. 

It doesn’t. 

He has posted a cute selfie with Octavia’s dog yesterday and it has gotten a lot of likes and comments of single women. _Great_..

When Lexa gets home, I’m drunk, my cheeks are covered in my mascara and I’m clutching Bellamy’s sweater like it’s a lifeline. 

I tell her that my plans got cancelled, so I decided to watch a sad movie with some wine. I don’t care enough to check if she actually believes my lie and get under the shower  
so I can try to wash my pain away. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa ambushes me in my hall the next day when I get back from work.

‘I need you to tell me what happened between you and Bellamy’ she demands.

I sigh. ‘I was a bitch to him and then he was an ass to me and now we’re ignoring each other’ I reluctantly say. I don’t want to share the specifics, so I walk pass her to my kitchen. 

‘Why?’ Lexa continues, following me like a lost puppy. 

I stick my head into the fridge to grab myself some juice and to avoid her gaze. ‘I don’t know’ I lie. ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ I close the fridge and hold the juice up for Lexa to see. ‘Juice?’ I ask.

She ignores my question and glares at me. ‘Don’t take me for a fool Clarke Griffin!’ she starts to yell. ‘Stop lying to me and just say it! You’re in love with him aren’t you?’

‘No’ I whisper hoarse and my eyes seem to be glued to the glass I just filled. 

‘Fuck, you totally are..’ Lexa says and I can hear the hurt in her voice. ‘I knew it! You two always were way too close to just be friends-‘

‘We _are_ just friends’ I say, interrupting her, still too much of a coward to look her in her eyes, but I need her to know that. ‘And we always were. Nothing ever happened between Bellamy and I. Not when you and I were together or when we were apart’ 

‘Stop justifying yourself! I flew halfway around the earth to get you back – the least you could’ve done was be honest with me!’ she yells, ‘Did you even want to get back together? Why did you say yes? How could you do this Clarke?!’

I feel my eyes well up. ‘I’m so sorry, Lexa..’ I say weakly. 

‘Answer me!’ she demands and when I look up, the wretched look in her eyes breaks my heart. I never meant to hurt her, I never wanted Lexa to become a casualty because of my problems. 

‘When we were together you made me _so_ happy. I wanted that again, I _needed_ that again..’ I try to explain. ‘I will always love you Lexa’

That declaration rubs her the wrong way and she gets even more upset. ‘Fuck you Clarke!’ she yells. ‘You don’t love me at all, you only love _him_. You should’ve seen the look in your eyes when you found his sweater in your laundry.. Like it had personally broken your heart..’ a stubborn tear escapes her eye and she curses. ‘You even say his name in your sleep..’

‘I’m sorry..’ I offer with tears running down my cheeks.

Lexa shakes her head. ‘Not as sorry as I am..’ she grabs her purse and leaves.

I don’t try to stop her. I know it’s to no avail and I don’t want to make her empty promises that we both know are lies.

Lexa is right.. The love I feel for Bellamy runs through my veins and makes my heart beat. I could never love someone else like that..

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday I call in sick. I cried the entire night and morning and I’m so worn out, that I’m pretty sure my body is incapable of producing tears any longer. 

I feel horrible about hurting Lexa the way I did and the guilt feels like a cold hand wrapped around my stomach, but what hurts even more is loving Bellamy. Bellamy, my best friend who no longer is any type of friend. Bellamy, the guy who will never return my feelings. 

And it’s not just that. I _need_ Bellamy in my life. It feels so empty without him – _I_ feel empty without him.. I never realised what for effect losing Bellamy would have on me because I couldn’t even picture it. Now that it has happened, I know – I’m a sad piece of heartbreak crying on my couch.. 

I spend the day eating takeout and junk food, I binge watch all types of movies to get my mind off of things and nap on my couch.

At 3 o’clock Monty texts me to ask when he can return my suitcase to me. 

**Clarke 3:12pm:** _You can come whenever you want, I’m home_

 

 **Monty 3:13pm:** _Than I’ll see you in 15_  
  


True to his word, Monty walks into my house a little while later and finds me on my couch. In my pyjamas, under a mountain of blankets and surrounded by junk food trash. 

‘You can just drop the suitcase here’ I say when I hear someone walk into my living room. My words are muffled, but they’ll just have to do.

‘Clarke, what’s going on?’ I hear Monty ask.

‘Lexa and I broke up again’ I sniff. My guilt over how I mistreated Lexa and my heartbreak over Bellamy make me burst out in another fit of tears. Well, at least that means my tear ducts still work.. 

‘Clarke I’m so sorry..’ Monty says while he makes his way over to my couch so he can sit next to me. ‘What happened?’

‘My heart wasn’t in it..’ I mumble.

‘Because it belongs to someone else?’

I’m silent for a second. ‘That doesn’t matter..’ I whisper. 

I find it a miracle he heard what I said. ‘You’re wrong Clarke, it does’ Monty says in a sweet and patient tone while he pats my leg. 

I come out of my hiding place to look at him. ‘Not if he doesn’t feel the same’ I say.

Monty gives me an amused look. ‘What if he does?’

‘How would you know?’ I ask a little sceptical.

Monty just laughs. ‘Go to him. But take a shower first’ he advises me with a wink. 

 

**********

 

An hour later I walk into Miller and Bellamy’s agency hoping that Bell is actually here and not out with a client. But if he is, I’ll just play a game on my phone and wait the entire afternoon for him in his office like I always do. 

When I walk into the building, I find Miller talking with Harper, their receptionist.

‘Hey Clarke’ Harper greets me cheerfully and I try to greet her back in the same kind way, but my nerves over being here make it extra hard.

‘Clarke, you’re here’ Miller says smiling and he looks a little relieved. ‘Monty texted me you were planning on coming this way. I’m glad you’re here’ 

‘We all are..’ Harper says smiling and she gives Miller a look. 

‘Yes, we are’ Miller agrees and he gently drags me to Bell’s office. His urgency makes me feel like something bad is going on or like he needs to make sure I get there and don’t run away.

‘Miller what are you doing?’ I ask confused and I pull my arm out of his grasp, but he just places his hand on my side and keeps me from stopping.

‘Listen Clarke’ Miller says when we’re in front of Bellamy’s office and he sounds a little tired. ‘This office really needs you and Blake to get along again..’ 

Before I get the chance to ask him something else, Miller opens Bellamy’s door and pushes me inside before he closes the door again. 

Bellamy startles and looks up from his desk. ‘Princess?’ he asks surprised, before his features turn into a frown. He looks tired. He has dark circles under his eyes and I don’t think he shaved this morning. Or yesterday morning.. 

‘Hi Bell’ I say. ‘Have a minute?’

‘Not really, I have work to do’ he answers with a bite in his tone and he turns back to his computer. 

‘Okay, then I’ll just sit here and wait’ I say annoyed and I sit down on his comfortable and expensive couch. 

Bellamy starts to type something and I play Trivia Crack on my cell. We both angrily ignore each other for a moment, waiting for the other to break. It’s Bellamy who gives in first. 

‘What do you want Clarke?’ Bellamy asks annoyed.

‘To talk’ I answer. ‘I owe you an apology and I want to know why you are so mad at me that you _kicked me out_ of your party’

A flash of guilt goes through Bellamy’s eyes and he looks down to his desk, so I continue. 

‘I’m sorry I told you that I couldn’t make it to your party. It was childish and selfish and really mean’ I say and I can feel my lip start to quiver. ‘I’m sorry..’ I say again in a softer tone and I do my best to not let my eyes drop to my shoes. 

Bellamy presses his lips in a thin line and nods. ‘I’m sorry I said you had to leave. I didn’t mean to, I was just really upset and then the words just fell out of my mouth..’

I cross my arms in front of my chest. ‘Why are you so mad at me? I understand that you were angry with me when I said I couldn’t come, but I _did_.. Maye it was naïve of me to think, but I hoped that would clear the air again between us..’ my voice breaks at the end and I have to bite my lip to keep my stupid tears from falling. 

Bellamy swallows hard and I can see the hurt in his eyes. ‘Clarke..’ he starts hesitantly. ‘I need to confess something..’

That takes me by surprise and brings me to the edge of my seat. I can feel my heart start to speed up. _Could it be..?_

His fingers start to tap nervously on his desk and he seems to be fascinated by the movement he makes because he breaks our eye contact.

I wish he’d look at me. I want to read his eyes. I want to know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. But he hides it all away from me..

‘I was so upset because I wanted to ask you to be my _date_ to the party..’ he starts. 

I hold in my breath, afraid that I might miss something or make him stop talking if I make a sudden movement. 

‘I’m like- _ridiculously_ in love with you and when you told me you were going on a date with someone else, I got really mad.. And after that you and Lexa suddenly got back together.. I just couldn’t deal with the hurt, so I lashed out and pushed you away’ Bellamy continues, eyes still on his tapping fingers.

I can’t believe what Bell just said. _Holy crap.._

_‘Miller, please’_ I hear Bellamy say again. ‘ _I’m absolutely not interested in her like that. Could you imagine what a catastrophe it would be if things ended on bad terms? Not worth it.. Besides, I’m not into blondes’_

‘What?’ I ask shocked. 

Bellamy’s lips turn into a sad smile. ‘I’m sorry..’ he mumbles.

I don’t know what to say. There are so many thoughts and feelings inside of me that are fighting to pass my lips, so I just blurt out something. ‘Lexa and I broke up!’

Bellamy’s fingers still and he finally looks up at me. ‘You did?’

‘Yeah.. She didn’t want to be with someone who was in love with someone else..’ I explain in a calm tone and I can feel my lips turn into a slight smile. 

Bellamy’s breath hitches in his throat and his eyes widen. His eyes beg me to say it, to set him free of his misery, so I do. ‘I’m ridiculously in love with you too’ I start to grin and a happy tear rolls over my cheek. It just feel _so_ good to finally say it out loud and to know that he feels the same. 

Bellamy mirrors my grin and starts to laugh. ‘Really?’

I can’t contain myself any longer and make my way over to him. Bellamy jumps out of his desk chair and suddenly there we are – a few inches apart and staring into each other’s eyes with a big grin gracing our features. 

One of my hands travels to his neck and I place the other one on his heart. Bellamy wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him. 

A moment later the entire world disappears. All there is left is Bellamy’s lips kissing my lips and his tongue stroking mine. His hands travel under my shirt and I have to supress a shiver when his warm hand finally strokes skin hasn’t been introduced to him yet. 

My hands unbutton his shirt while our lips knead the other’s in a heated kiss, we’ve waited so long, I don’t have it in me to be patient any longer. Bellamy picks me up and sets me on his desk. He starts to work my neck and a moan escapes me. 

‘Bell’ I moan.

We’re so lost in each other that we startle when the door is flung open. Bellamy’s head snaps to our intruder and I bury mine in the crook of his neck, too embarrassed to look who walked in on our passionate make out session. 

‘Good, you two got your shit together’ I hear Miller say. ‘But this is still a work place!’ he mock scolds us before he leaves us alone again. 

When I pull myself from my hiding place, I find Bellamy’s eyes already trained on me. He looks happy and relieved and we burst out in laughter.

I feel so light now I can laugh with my best friend again, like a huge weight has lifted of my shoulders. I wrap my arms around him and he returns my hug. We just sit there for a long moment, breathing each other’s send in and refusing to let the other go.

‘Bell?’ I reluctantly break the silence. ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’

I can feel him tense and he slowly moves back so he can look at me. ‘A hundred percent. What about you?’ he nervously presses bites his lips.

‘It’s just- I heard you talking to Miller when we went for coffee with Monty two weeks ago’ I explain. ‘You said you didn’t want to date me because it would be a catastrophe if we ended things..’

Bellamy looks confused for a moment. ‘What?’ Then it dawns on him and he quickly tries to explain himself. ‘No, I wasn’t talking about _you_ , I was talking about Harper. I think Miller knew how I felt about you, so he tried to make me confess by asking how I would feel about dating Harper’

‘ _Oh_..’ the intense relief I feel makes me grin, but then my smile drops off my face again. ‘But still, are you sure you want to give us a shot? I mean it would have some terrible effects to the people around us if-‘

‘Clarke, I’ve been waiting for forever for this moment and your worries are unfounded and ruining things’ Bell says with a playful smile. ‘If the worst does happen, we’ll work it out. Besides, I’m not planning on ever letting you go’

I feel my cheeks heat up. ‘So does that mean you can be into a blonde?’ I joke. 

Bellamy smirks. ‘That was a lie to get Miller off my back and you know it’ he presses a kiss on my lips. ‘But I don’t care about your hair colour, only about you. If you’d dye it pink tomorrow, I’d still be the happiest guy on the planet’

I roll my eyes but the effect is lost because of my pink cheeks and my silly smile. ‘What about Echo though?’ I suddenly remember and my gaze drops to his messy collar. 

Bellamy’s fingers tip my head back up so he can look me in my eyes. ‘I only asked her as a date because I thought you weren’t going to come. And I may have kissed her to show you how unaffected I was by you and Lexa’ he admits, carefully gauging my reaction. ‘But I promise you that there is nothing there’

‘Good’ I whisper relieved before I take his lips in mine and kiss him. He kisses me back immediately and strokes my cheek. I can’t wait to never stop doing this. 

‘I love you Bellamy Blake’ I whisper against his lips when we come up for air.

Bellamy gives me a bright smile. ‘I love you too Clarke Griffin’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing the end of this chapter I felt liking writing a beginning, not an end, so if you'd like, I'd be willing to write a 4th chapter. Let me know how you feel about that :)
> 
> I hope you liked this one, please let me know if you did :) xx


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something close to an epilogue bc I couldn't leave these two lovebirds alone :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy, apologies for any mistakes.

‘Oh sweet Lord, is the world going to end?’ I joke when I open my door for Bellamy a couple of days later.

Bellamy rolls his eyes at me. ‘Shut up and take the flowers Princess’ he says smiling.

I step aside so Bell can get in and when I close my front door, I pull him down so I can kiss him. It’s my new favourite thing – kissing Bellamy. I may have daydreamed about it hundreds of different times, but not one of those imaginary kisses can live up to the real ones. Bellamy is one of hell of a kisser.

‘I can’t believe you got me _flowers_ ’ I say smiling when we pull apart and he hands me the bouquet of purple calla lilies. ‘They’re beautiful, thank you’

‘I’m taking you on our first date, so of course you’re getting flowers’ he says with a slight blush and an excited twinkle in his eyes. ‘And you’re definitely my exception for everything I stand for’ he adds in a whisper.

‘Bell..’ I say touched and I give him a kiss and then another. The second one turns into a passionate one, with tongues fighting for dominance, hands traveling over the other’s body and me almost dropping the flowers I’m holding.

‘We could just spend the day here’ Bellamy whispers against my lips. The warm brown of his eyes have been completely swallowed up by his dilated pupils. He brushes a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear.

‘Definitely not’ I say smiling excitedly. ‘I always wanted to learn how to shoot and you’re the perfect teacher’

He laughs. ‘You ready to leave then?’

‘Let me put the flowers in some water first, then I’m all set’

 

**********

 

Bellamy has been a member of the “Ark’s Trap and Skeet Club” for years now. He even got a license and teaches at the club every now and then. After the hot make out session in his office, Bell asked me out on a date. He proposed dinner and a movie, but I had something different in mind.

I always wanted to go skeet shooting, but I never got around to it and it would be the perfect first date for us as an official couple. When I asked him how he felt about doing that as a first date activity, he laughed and replied with the words, ‘I knew there was a reason I liked you. You’re amazing’

 

‘So I just- hold it against my shoulder?’ I ask Bellamy while pointing the rifle up in the air.

Bellamy stands behind me and squeezes my shoulder. ‘Point it a little higher babe’ he whispers in my ear.

His close proximity is terribly distracting. The way his hand is resting on my shoulder, his scent that I breathe in and the feeling of his body against mine, almost make me forget where I am. Before I know it, the first skeet is flying through the sky.

‘Go babe!’ Bellamy excitedly says.

Obviously, I miss. Bellamy is still doing funny things to my brain.

_Get you head in the game Griffin!_

When the set is finished, I shot 4 out of 10 out of the air.

‘You did great princess’ Bellamy whispers lovingly in my ear, picking up on my disappointment over missing 6 skeets. ‘On my first try I only shot one more’

I turn around and put an arm around his neck. ‘Really?’ I ask him surprised.

‘Really’ he assures me between kisses.

Our lips are pressed against the other’s in a sweet peck when we get interrupted. ‘Blake’ I hear a woman say next to me.

When I look up, I find a middle-aged woman with a dark glowing skin and chocolate brown eyes that take me in with interest.

‘Indra, how’ve you been?’ Bellamy greets the woman. ‘Clarke, this is Indra Knight, she’s the manager of the skeet club. Indra, this is Clarke Griffin, my- my _girlfriend_?’ he looks at me when he says this with a tentative smile and the question is in his eyes.

He has nothing to be unsure about. I’m his and he’s mine, so I give him an answering smile and a wink. I untangle myself from my boyfriend’s arm so I can shake Indra’s hand and introduce myself as his girlfriend.

 

******

 

That evening we’re enjoying a home cooked meal by Bellamy himself. I suggested some take-out, but we’ve been doing that for the last three nights and Bellamy really wanted to treat his girl on his chicken parmesan from scratch (his words, not mine).

And I figured, who am I to kick a handsome guy out of my kitchen who’s making food for me?

We spend the night cuddled up on the couch sharing our theories on who’s the murderer in the detective we’re watching. Bellamy kisses my brow and my eyes land on the flowers he gave me that I put on the coffee table.

‘You totally gave me purple flowers ‘cause it’s the royal colour, didn’t you?’ I ask him amused.

I turn my head so I can look up at him and I find his lips curled into a smirk. ‘I knew you’d figure it out princess’

I kiss his blushing cheek before I rest my head on his shoulder again. ‘You’re ridiculous’ I say smiling.

Purple calla lilies are definitely my new favourite flowers.

 

* * *

 

 

A couple of weeks later Bellamy and I are getting ready at my place for Wells and Raven’s engagement party.

‘Babe can you zip me up?’ I ask when I’m putting my dress on.

Bellamy appears behind me and puts his large, warm hands on my hips. ‘I’d rather not’ he whispers in my ear before he trails kisses over my neck and sucks my pulls point.

The sensation of his strong hands squeezing my hips and his soft lips leaving burning kisses on my sensitive skin makes me shiver.

‘Bell..’ I whisper while I lean into his touch. ‘We don’t have time for this..’ I try, but even I know the meaning behind my words is lost. I’m too far gone.

‘Then we’ll make time’ he answers and that’s good enough for me. Who cares if we’re 5 minutes late, right? Everyone knows traffic in Ark can be brutal.

I turn around and take his lips in mine and my eagerness makes him chuckle. _Asshole_.

My dress hits the floor and when Bellamy’s shirt is off as well, we fall onto my bed.

We’re tangled limbs, addicted to the other’s touch. We’re two beating hearts, beating rapidly for the other. We’re two sets of lips that can’t stand to not kiss something of the other.

When we’ve reached our highs, we take a moment to catch our breathes. I’m lying on his chest and listening to the sound of his heartbeat, while he strokes my bare back with his thumb. My artist’s eye enjoys the sight of my pale hand on Bell’s olive toned chest and in my mind I’m mixing colours paint for when my itching hands can paint us.

What I feel for Bellamy is something I’ve never felt for anyone else before. The love I feel for him consumes me and goes to my bones. It has the power to terrify me, to paralyse me, but I won’t let it. I won’t let love be my weakness, but my strength.

‘Clarke?’ Bellamy whispers in my hair.

‘Hmmm?’

I can hear his heartbeat quicken.

‘You are my best friend’ he confesses out of the blue. It makes me smile because I know exactly the meaning behind his words.

‘Awww.. that’s sweet’ I tease him. ‘You’re one of my best friends too’

Bellamy chuckles and pinches me in my side.

I yelp and sit up so I can look him in his warm brown eyes. ‘I love you too’ I kiss his lips before I add, ‘Now, be a good boyfriend and help me into my dress. We're late’

 

******

 

‘Why the hell are you two so late?’ Raven demands when Bellamy and I join our friends at Raven and Wells’ place half an hour late.

Bellamy and I quickly sit down at the table and start to apologise thoroughly and blame traffic.

Raven’s face is a mixture of disbelief, annoyance and amusement. ‘Save it. Bellamy, you missed some lipstick’ she says and she touches the corner of her mouth to show him what he needs to clean.

I can feel my cheeks warm up and before my friends’ laughter has died down I ask Raven to tell us again how Wells proposed.

It’s a sweet story and it was the perfect way to propose to Raven Reyes.

Wells had hid the ring in a toaster and brought it to her saying it was broken. After she was done making fun of him for being such a dummy, she sat down and took the toaster apart. The ring fell on the table and she was so shocked when she saw it, that she hadn’t noticed that Wells had gone down on one knee. She just kept gaping at the ring, while Wells patiently waited until Raven was responsive again. He got the ring of the table and took one of her hands in his own.

Wells had a nice speech prepared about how much he loved her, how important she was to him and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Before he could finish however, she jumped into his arms, kissed him and told him that ‘Yes, yes, yes! I’ll totally become your wife!’

After that Raven stood on their balcony and yelled out in the open, ‘I’m getting married bitches!’

‘Well who knew that _Raven Reyes_ would be such a romantic’ Bellamy jokes.

‘Takes one to know one’ Raven points out.

I laugh because it’s totally true. Bellamy is a very romantic and attentive boyfriend with his flowers, backrubs and homemade dinners.

‘I heard you already decorated your desk with a picture of Clarke at the office’ Raven says with a challenging smile.

 _Well, that’s news to me._ ‘What?’ I ask surprised.

Bellamy corrects Raven with pink cheeks. ‘It’s a photo of _us_ ’

‘Good, because that’s less creepy’ I joke. ‘Which photo?’

‘The one we took at the skeet club’ he says with a warm smile.

So Bellamy has framed the selfie we took on our first date and put it on his desk. I didn’t think I could love the guy more, but luckily for me, I was proven wrong..

‘Good choice’ I tell him smiling and I squeeze his hand.

 

* * *

 

 

‘I hate that you’re going back to your place again’ I whine a few days later when Bellamy and I are saying goodbye to one another. I’m pouting so hard, it’s probably not cute anymore.

Bellamy kisses me again. ‘I know, me too’ he sighs. ‘But I need clean clothes. I’ve been wearing this shirt for three days straight and I’m meeting an important client tomorrow. And I left some papers at my apartment I need at work tomorrow’

‘Fine, you’re excused’ I say, smiling slightly. It still sucks, so I can’t turn my lips into something brighter.

‘Not so fast’ Bellamy smirks before he kisses me again.

I moan in his kiss. ‘Bell?’ I whisper against his lips.

‘Yes Princess?’

‘I was thinking, that _maybe_ , since you spend most of your nights here anyway, you could leave some stuff behind when you come back? Like a toothbrush or some clean clothes? Or your boring papers if that’s easier for you’

Bellamy’s lips have turned into a massive grin. ‘You sure you can share your precious closet with me?’

‘My closet is not _that_ precious’ I reply smiling. ‘But you’re staying away from my cabinets, Blake! I don’t want your stupid mugs mixing with mine’

Bellamy laughs. ‘How much can I bring tomorrow?’

‘As much as you’d like’ I assure him. ‘We can share my space’

‘And in four months, when my lease is up..’ Bellamy trails off, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.

‘Then you can dump your remaining stuff here and we’ll share this place permanently’ I say smiling.

Moving in together had already crossed my mind, but after only dating for a month, it seemed a bit too early. However, moving in together after 5 months of dating and with a lot of slumber parties during those months, seems perfect. I know that nothing in life is perfect, but being with Bellamy comes very close to that concept.

When we finally move in together 4 months later, it’s hard to imagine that I ever thought being with someone else would bring me the same amount of joy being with Bellamy gives me. I love him and he loves me and that’s that.

 

  ** _FIN_**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I love him and he loves me and that’s that. ___
> 
> __
> 
> __Please let me know what you thought, I'd love to hear/read your thoughts and feels! :) Xx_ _


End file.
